Maybe it was the on-again-off-again rain today. Maybe it was the fact I couldn't button the first pair of shorts I put on this morning. Maybe it is the fact that I haven't been 'gainfully' employed in nearly a year. What ever the cause, I wrestled with loathing and self doubt today.
It's a vicious spiral, self doubt. You think you don't deserve good things. You think you can't do anything...so you just don't try. Since you didn't try yesterday, why bother today? And so it goes until months have gone by and you have gone nowhere. That's where I was today. Nowhere.
Sometimes you have to get your barrings. You have to know where you are currently and where you want to go. Tall enough order, but not nearly as hard as knowing who you are now and who you want to be when you get there. I had to give that some thought. It took a couple of bars of chocolate, but I think I came up with some answers.
Who 'I am' is a wife and mother, occasional creative spirit, and constant seeker of truth and beauty. Who I want to be is a lover and teacher, perpetual creative spirit, and distributer of truth and beauty. Not too far apart, so that's a good start. In order to bridge over the present and land in the desired future, I have to change my own perceptions of who I am.
'How do you do that?', I imagine you asking. Well, you have to start small. It's like throwing a small pebble into the water. It makes a little ripple that makes another ripple, and another, and another..... I start by paying a little more attention to my appearance. I shave my legs, put on matching underware, spritz on some of my favorite perfume, or wear my favorite color. Little things that no one else might notice, but I do. It changes how I think about myself and how I move through the world around me. I start the first ripple.
The next ripple might be as simple as looking someone in the eyes. I am not saying the quick check to see if they are listening or counting how many crows feet they have. Actually looking into someone's eyes and noticing how they dialate and the little flecks of color that radiate out of even the plainest pupils. They eyes are the windows to the soul, some say. Take a half a minute to actually ponder that while you peer in. Ripple....
A breath comes next. Not the normal unthinking in and out that oxinagates our blood, but a good deep cleansing breath. One that fills every corner of your body going in and rushes out leaving you completely deflated before flowing back again. Do that two or three times and you will feel the corners of your mouth lift with the inhale....that's a smile. Ripple......
Show that smile as you move through the world. Not the phoney smile we usually use to cover how uncomfortable we are. This is a real smile. It shows not only on your lips, but in your eyes and in the relaxed set of your shoulders and the tilt of your head. This comfortable smile is contagious. It infects those around you, makes them more comfortable too. Ripple......
Before you know it, you are the person others want to be like. And if they want to be like you, you must be pretty darn special. And if you are special, you do deserve good things.
Ripple, ripple, ripple....
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